The Tick vs. The Tick

(The Tick and Arthur are on a show they were on in the first episode)

Announc­er: Once again we are here with promi­nent super­heroes, The Tick and Arthur.

Tick: Good morn­ing, Amer­i­ca! (he waves)

Arthur: Hi.

Announc­er: Now, Tick. Many ques­tions about you remain unanswered.

Tick: Hmm.. I am a man of mystery.

Announc­er: Mmm. Yes. Yes. Can you tell me, what do you do?

Tick: Eh?

Announc­er: I mean, what are your super­hu­man pow­ers? Can you see through steel?

Tick: Uh…

Announc­er: You know, with x‑rays. Can you bend iron bars with your mind?

Tick: Well, I… no.

Announc­er: Can you cre­ate ener­gy based mul­ti­ples of yourself?

Tick: Whoah! Nope.

Announc­er: Can you make dia­monds out of coal?

Tick: No.

Announc­er: Shoot heat beams out of your eyes?

Tick: No.

Announc­er: Breath atom­ic fire?

Tick: No.

Announc­er: Well, then. Hmm.. Can you destroy the Earth?

Tick: Egad! I hope not! That’s where I keep all my stuff!

Announc­er: Yes, of course. Tell me. Do you have a girlfriend?

(Arthur cov­ers his face)

(The Tick rips off a cam­era and speaks into it.)

Tick: I am mighty! I have a glow you can­not see. I’ve a heart as big as the moon! As warm as bath water! We’re super­heroes, man, we don’t have time to be charm­ing! The boots of evil were made for walk­ing! We’re watch­ing the big pic­ture, friend. We know the score! We are a pub­lic ser­vice, not glam­our boys…

Arthur: Yeah!

Tick: …not cap­tains of indus­try! Not mak­ers of things! Keep your vul­gar mon­eys! We are a jus­tice sand­wich! No top­pings nec­es­sary! Liv­ing rooms of Amer­i­ca, do you catch my drift!? Do you dig?

Arthur: I can fly.

(Open­ing theme plays)

(The Tick, Arthur, Die Fla­der­maus, and Sew­er Urchin are in Dot’s car at an intersection)

Maus: Okay. Okay on my side! Go! No! No. Wait. Wait. Wait, right after this truck.

Tick: No! He’s good! Arthur! You’re good! Floor it! No! Wait. Wait.

Maus: Ok. All right. Right after these four cars.

Tick: Now is the time! Seize the day!

Maus: Get ready. Not now. Not now. Now!

Tick: Wait. Go! Wait. Go!

(Arthur los­es it and floors it. All four scream)

Maus: What are you try­ing to do, get us creamed?

Arthur: Lis­ten, Die Fla­der­maus! It wasn’t my idea to go to some crazy super­hero night­club in the mid­dle of nowhere! And it cer­tain­ly wasn’t my idea to bor­row my sister’s car to get there!

Tick: Oh, but it’ll be worth it Arthur! Think of it! A whole night­club just for super­heroes! Packed wall to wall with crime fight­ers on their night off! Oh, the camaraderie!

Maus: Pu! Can some­one open a win­dow around here? Sew­er Urchin real­ly stinks! You’re stink­ing on pur­pose aren’t you?

(Urchin punch­es Maus. They begin to fight back and forth.)

Maus: Hey! Quit it!

Urchin: No. You quit it!

Maus: Stop it!

Urchin: You stop it!

Maus: Ow!

Urchin: This is the line! Don’t cross the line!

Arthur: Now, you cut that out. If you guys don’t set­tle down back there, I’m gonna pull this car over and we can just
wait.

(Out­side the car a VW Bee­tle fol­lows the Bobcat)

Bomber: And so he says to me, you wan­na be a bad guy? And I say, Yeah baby! I wan­na be bad! I says surfs up space ponies! I’m mak­ing gravy with­out the lumps! (he laughs)

(At the Comet Club many “super-mobiles” can be seen. The sign reads “Comet Club: Super­heroes Welcome”)

Maus: “Super­heroes Wel­come.” Now there’s some­thing you don’t see everyday.

(the gang walks to the entrance where they see the Doorman)

Tick: You must be the doorman.

Jim: Yes, but men call me, Jim. IDs please.

Arthur: Oh, Ok.

Maus: Now, wait a sec­ond, I may have left it in my oth­er tights.

Tick: Oh, I get it… spelling Amer­i­ca with a K, are we?

Urchin: Oh, we’re being card­ed. Def­i­nite­ly being carded!

Maus: That’s not the best pic­ture of me. It was a bad ear day.

(Maus’ pic­ture has him with his ears all over the place and he has a sad look)

Jim: I’ll say. (he takes the Tick’s card) The Tick?

Tick: And tin­gling for fun!

Jim: This should be inter­est­ing. Okay.

(The pro­ceed to walk through)

Jim: My super door­man sense is ringing.

(he blows his whistle)

Jim: Not so fast, sidekick!

Arthur: What?

Jim: No, side­kicks in the club. You go round back to the Sidekick’s Lounge.

Arthur: Oh.

(inside the club)

Maus: See you lat­er boys. I think I’m in love.

(he walks off)

Urchin: Where’s Arthur?

Tick: Don’t know, Urchin. He must be mingling.

(out­side Arthur walks out­side to see the Sidekick’s Lounge is an old shack)

Arthur: Oh, come on!

(inside)

Big Shot: Hey! It’s my favorite blue man!

Tick: Hey, Big Shot! My favorite emo­tion­al­ly unbal­anced gun-tot­ing vigilante!

Big Shot: Come on over, I want you to meet some of my friends from Deer­town. This is Mighty Agrip­pa: Roman God
of the Aqueduct.

(Agrip­pa takes of his hat)

Agrip­pa: Oh, well, sometimes.

Big Shot: And this is Jet Valkyrie… a woman.

Tick: Cool!

Big Shot: (quick­ly) And this is Fish­boy: Lost Prince of Atlantis. Guys! I want you to meet The Tick!

(the dis­co ball stops spin­ning, the music stops and no one moves)

Fish­boy: Ooh..

Valkyrie: Ooh, Barry’s not gonna like this.

Agrip­pa: No, Barry’s not gonna like this one bit

Fish­boy: Well maybe he won’t show up tonight.

(Barry’s motor­cy­cle streaks in front of the Bomber’s bug in a trail of flames)

Bomber: And he says to me, you’ve got style baby, but if you’re gonna be a real vil­lian you got­ta get a gim­mick. And so I go, I says, Yeah, baby! A gim­mick! That’s it- high explo­sives! Yeah! Keep play­ing with fire, Super-Pants! You don’t know how much fire you’re playin’ with!

(In the Side­kicks Lounge a talk­ing dog, Arthur, a Goril­la and a gener­ic side­kick read­ing “Wres­tle Wres­tle Wrestle!”)

Dog: Are you sure you’ve thought this side­kick thing through? I mean, it’s no picnic.

Goril­la: Man, I heard that.

(In the Comet Club, a woman dressed in poo­dle-esque cloth­ing car­ries a large can­non labled “Poo­dle Gun.” Die Fla­der­maus walks up to her)

Maus: Hey, sweet­heart! Whatcha got in that poo­dle gun? Any­thing for me?

(she fires at Maus, poo­dles bite him)

Maus: Oo! Hey! Stop that! Oo! Oo! Hey!

(The woman snaps her fin­gers and the poo­dles return)

Maus: So. Call me, okay?

(anoth­er woman walks up to Maus)

Maus: Hey, sweet­heart! Whatcha got in that- aw, man! Amer­i­can Maid!

Maid: You’ve got ‘arrest­ed devel­op­ment’ writ­ten all over you, Die Fladermaus.

Maus: Yeah, sour grapes, sweet­heart. You had your chance.

(she pro­ceedes to dump her cola on him)

Maus: She’ll be back.

Tick: (sit­ting at table with his new friends) So, who is this Bar­ry guy? Is he anoth­er superhero?

Agrip­pa: Oh, no. I wouldn’t say that. No…well he’d like peo­ple to think he is, but for the wrong reasons.

Valkyrie: Ya see, he’s rich and his broth­er-in-law owns the Comet Club. So he gets to come in when­ev­er he wants and make trouble.

Fish­boy: But it’s after ten so he prob­a­bly won’t show up tonight.
(the heroes turn towards a door slam­ming open)

Fish­boy: Ahem. That’s Barry.

Bar­ry: Where’s the jerk who calls him­self the Tick?

Tick: (stand­ing up) I am that jerk! Who wants to know?

Bar­ry: I…am…the…Tick!

Bar­ry: You ridicu­lous clown! Did you think you could get away with steal­ing my super­hero name? I…am…the Tick!

Tick: What?

Valkyrie: Uh-oh.

Agrip­pa: Oh my.

Bar­ry: I am the one and only Tick! Pre­pare to suc­cumb to irre­sistible force!

Tick: Yeah, well don’t count your weasels before they pop, dink!

(Bar­ry charges towards the Tick but the Tick picks up Bar­ry and throws him to the ground)

(Bar­ry takes a cou­ple of deep breaths)

Tick: Sor­ry about that Bar­ry. I think we should talk this over.

Big Shot: Oh, this is exact­ly what my ther­a­pist has been talk­ing about. Doesn’t Bar­ry get it? Vio­lence nev­er solves any­thing. Besides, the Tick’s gonna clean his clock!

Agrip­pa: Well, yeah, but look. Barry’s got some sort of kinet­ic gen­er­a­tor in his shield. When he turns it on it gives him super­hu­man crush­ing power!

(as he speaks Bar­ry gets up and flips on the shields generator)

Fish­boy: Yeah he squoosh rocks!

Bar­ry: You’re strong! But you’re no match for the Tick!

Tick: Bar­ry, you’re gonna have to start mak­ing some sense.

(Bar­ry charges into the Tick shield first and The Tick is pushed back but man­ages to move forward)

Tick: Whoah!

(at the Side­kicks lounge)

Dog: Yep. I’ve been a side­kick for goin’ on forty-six years.

Goril­la: That’s dog years.

Dog: Been all across this crazy mixed-up coun­try, ‘kick­ing for a hero with a brain the size of a wal­nut. And what’ve I got to show for it? High blood pres­sure, an arti­fi­cial hip, and a case of the worms. But man, I love it.

Goril­la: Not me, pal. I just wan­na get back to the jun­gle. Bor­neo! Sweet Bor­neo! If you want­ed a snack you just reached up into and tree and plucked it. Not like here, oh, no sir! Some hair­less jerk had to go off and invent mon­ey. (he looks at Arthur) Some hair­less jerk, like you! (he lifts Arthur into the air) Six­ty-five cents for a can­dy bar?! What are you, nuts?

Arthur: You fright­en me ter­ri­bly. I have to go now.

(The Bomber pulls up the the Club)

Bomber: So he says to me, you got to do some­thing smart! Some­thing big! He says, you wan­na be a supervil­lian, right? And I go, Yeah baby yeah! What do I got­ta do? What do I got­ta do? And he says, You got bombs. Blow up the Comet Club-it’s packed with super­heroes. You’ll go down in supervil­lian his­to­ry! And I go, Yeah baby! Cause I’m the Evil Mid­night Bomber What Bombs at Mid­night! (evil laugh)

(he runs inside)

(The Tick and Bar­ry still push against each other)

Big Shot: Guys, guys, don’t do this to your­selves. Let’s put vio­lence in the hap­py box.

(They stop pushing)

Big Shot: Okay, good, good, I have your atten­tion. Now as every­one knows, I used to be a very vio­lent per­son. I tried to solve all my prob­lems with g..g…guns, but I’ve been going to ther­a­py . And it’s turned my life around. I’m more cen­tered. Now I’m a whole per­son. Bar­ry you seem to be work­ing through some seri­ous iden­ti­ty issues here. Now, Bar­ry, I can see that you feel…threatened by the Tick. You’re also angry, and you want to find an out­let for that anger.

Tick: Plus, you’ve got some drool on your chin.

(Bar­ry steps angri­ly towards the Tick)

Big Shot: No, no, Bar­ry! No! I said put it in the Hap­py Box! Now let’s try this again.
(Arthur is now in the bathroom)

Arthur: I hate this. I didn’t want to come here in the first place. Oh, bor­row your sis­ters car. Oh, we’ll have a great time. May the Tick’s hav­ing a great time, but-

(he notices that the bath­room he’s in has an entrance to the Comet Club)

Arthur: Hmmm…

(The Bomber makes his way into the bath­room plac­ing bombs on the walls)

Bomber: And so he says to me, You got legs, baby! You’re every­where! You’re all over the place!

Arthur: Hel­lo?

Bomber: Hhh­h­h­h­h­h­h­h­h­h­h­h­h­h­hi.

Arthur: What are you…doing?

Bomber: I just, uh, I just want­ed to use the, uh, and so he says, Evil’s okay in my book! What about yours? And I go, yeah, baby, yeah, yeah! I…I.. just want­ed to.. wash my hands.

Arthur: Umm… okay. But why does your bag say Bombs?

Bomber: Oh, ha ha ha… that’s just…I…Boom! Boom! I’m the Evil Mid­night Bomber What Bombs at Midnight!

Arthur: Oh, great.

Bomber: Eat my smoke, copper!

(he bites the pin off a smoke grenade and throws it. He runs into the Comet Club)

Bomber: An object at rest can­not be stopped!

(he runs around the club plac­ing bombs on the walls)

Big Shot: So, good! I think we’ve got the mak­ings of a com­pro­mise here, guys. Bar­ry, you give up call­ing your­self the Tick and come with me to my group ther­a­py ses­sion. And Tick, you can be called the Tick!

(Bar­ry push­es The Tick into a wall, screaming)

(The Bomber makes his way through the crowd)

Bomber: Excuse me…excuse me. And then I says, Tell me I’m wrong, and he says, I can’t baby! Cause you’re not!

(Arthur makes his way out of the restroom, the Door­man notices)

Jim: My door­man sens­es are pick­ing some­thing up!

(Arthur finds Sew­er Urchin)

Arthur: Sew­er Urchin! Somebody’s try­ing to blow up the club!

Urchin: Oh, very bad…definitely unac­cept­able, yeah. We bet­ter tell the Tick. Oh, wait he’s busy fight­ing the Tick.

Arthur: The Tick?

(The Door­man blows his whistle)

Jim: Aha! Thought you could get by Door­man, didn’t you, sidekick?

Arthur: Lis­ten, I…

(Arthur is grabbed by the Doorman)

(Bar­ry swings his shield at the Tick)

Tick: Bar­ry, come on! I can’t fight you! Super­heroes only fight supervillians!

(Bar­ry hits the Tick in the face with his shield)

Tick: Of course, if you want­ed to become a supervil­lian, I think we could have that arranged.

(Bar­ry flings his shield and The Tick flys into a wall, leav­ing an imprint of his face)

(The Bomber places a bomb next to the face imprint)

Bomber: This could hap­pen to you, baby. This could hap­pen to anybody!

Tick: (dazed) I’ll take the porce­lain dog, and I’ll have the rest on a gift cer­tifi­cate, Chuck.

Bar­ry: So? You still wan’t more, eh?

Tick: (still dazed) Oh… Hi Barry!

Bar­ry: I’m gonna teach you a lesson.

Tick: (Yep, still dazed) Oooh!

(Barry’s shield push­es Tick into a wall)

Bar­ry: Ha! You’re pinned under my shield! Sub­mit, renounce your name or I will crush you flat!

Tick: Nev­er!

Bar­ry: Haha­ha! I want­ed you to say that! Good! Good! Or should I say… Goodbye!

The Comet Club beeps loud­ly from all of the bombs)

Bomber: And so he says to me, I don’t like the cut of your jib, and so I says, I goes, it’s the only jib I’ve got, baby!

Maus: You know, I love a woman who dress­es in stain­less steel.

Valka­rye: Get lost, creep.

Agrip­pa: Oh. Looks bad for the Tick. Noth­ing can with­stand Barry’s shield on overdrive.

(Bar­ry con­tin­ues to push Tick into the wall, laughing)

Bar­ry: I hope this makes things per­fect­ly clear! I am the only Tick around here!

Tick: Head spinning…ears ringing…no, more of a throb­bing real­ly. But regard­less- ouch!

Bar­ry: Say, uncle!

Tick: Okay, uncle!

Bar­ry: No! No!I mean, renounce your name and call me the Tick!

Tick: You…are… BarryBarryBarryBarryBarryBarryBarryBarryBarryBarryBarry…

(Jim car­ries Arthur out the door)

Arthur: Lis­ten! Sombody’s plant­i­ng bombs all over the place!

Jim: Oh, yeah? And who would that be, sidekick?

Arthur: He says he’s the Evil Mid­night Bomber What Bombs at Midnight.

Jim: Oh, sure. That sounds real.

(he brings Arthur back to throw him out the door, Arthur grips the frame)

Jim: Oh, come on, it’s not that bad.

Arthur: Urchin! Help!

Urchin: Okay! (he runs towards Jim)

(back by the Tick)

Tick: ….Bar­ry­Bar­ry­Bar­ry­Bar­ry. Bot to…get it togeth­er. Can’t lose my name. It’s on all my sta­tion­ary! (he lifts Barry’s shield)

(The Bomber stands on a table)

Bomber: Six­ty sec­onds to mid­night! Six­ty sec­onds to nowhere, baby! You have all become vic­tims of the Evil Mid­night Bomber What Bombs…. Hey! Pay attention!

(at the entrence)

Urchin: (grab­bing Jim) Don’t hurt him. He’s def­i­nite­ly our ride home!

Jim: Club pol­i­cy, side­kicks stay in the side­kicks lounge. (Urchin begins to stink) Ugh. What a ter­ri­ble stink! Cen­tral ner­vous sys­tem, shut­ting down. Good­night. Dri­ve safely.

(Arthur runs off)

(Back with the Tick)

(Tick lifts Barry’s shield completely)

Bar­ry: My shield!

Tick: I think you’d bet­ter find a new name, mister.

Arthur: (run­ning in) Tick! Evil is afoot! The Comet Club, is rid­dled with bombs, and they’re set to blow at midnight!

Tick: What do they look like, chum?

(Arthur points to the bomb on Tick’s chest)

Arthur: They look like that!

Tick: Good heav­ens! They’re all over the place!

Bomber: Yeah, baby! You’ve all got twen­ty sec­onds before you all eat celling!

Agrip­pa: There’s going to be a heck of a line at the cape check.

Tick: Let’s go get those bombs, Arthur!

(Tick pulls bombs off the wall, he acci­den­tal­ly grabs an air freshener)

Tick: Oop. Air freshener!

(he flips it back on the wall)

(he kicks open the back door and throws the bombs on the Side­kick Lounge. It blows up. The side­kick read­ing stands up)

Side­kick: That’s it, I quit.

(The entire club applauds Tick and Arthur.)

Maus: (to Valkyrie) You know, he’s a close per­son­al friend of mine.

Valkyrie: You make me sick to my stomach.

Maus: It’s always about you, isn’t it?

Tick: No applause nec­es­sary, just doing my job.

(Bar­ry tack­les the Tick)

Arthur: (point­ing to the Bomber) Hey you! You’re in a lot of trouble!

(he runs off. Arthur tack­les him)

Tick: This is wear­ing a lit­tle thin, Barry.

Bar­ry: Not Bar­ry! I’m the Tick!

(Bar­ry lunges, Tick kicks Bar­ry through the roof and into the park­ing lot)

Bar­ry: (dazed) Okay. I’ll be Bar­ry and you be the Tick.

Tick: (hold­ing Bomber) Well, all this and a vil­lian too.

Bomber: You’ll nev­er prove a thing cop­per. I’m just a part time elec­tri­cian. I‑I… bad is good, baby! Down with government!

(in the car, Urchin and Maus fight)

Tick: What a great place!

Arthur: (sar­cas­ti­cal­ly) Yeah, it was great. Guys I’m not going to warn you again!

Tick: What’s in a name, any­how? If I was called Bob, or Jack, or Vin­nie, or a Piece of Fruit, would I be any less mighty? And if Bar­ry were called Rupert, Max, or Rain­bow, would he be any less a jerk? No. I don’t think so. Because a name is a rose, and it’s only as sweet as you are

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